I leave for Australia in 10 days. Wha??????? How did that happen?
I need to go to bed.
Filed under: Current Events | Tags: advantages, failure, friends, money, my life
Job is still sucking. I sit for 8 hours scanning work orders into the computer in an effort to help my company become paperless. The huge box of paper that compiles every week miraculously disappears over the weekend. I sure hope it gets recycled. Though the people I work with seem to be the types to not care about the environment.
I had a disgusting dream last night, too vulgar for a public medium even though I’m sure no one reads this, but its been haunting me all day.
I had ice cream with one of my favorite people in the whole wide world today after work. Every time we hang out we don’t stop laughing. I wish I would have spent more time with her over the years. My other friends played bigger roles, and I don’t know why.
I’ve been uber critical lately. Of the people around me of course, not of myself. Which is whom I should be critical of. There are certain things I know I should be fixing about myself. The way I look, my impatience, and my hypocritical nature. I tend to hate the things in people that I tend to exhibit myself. I HATE when people think they know everything, but then I think I know everything.
That’s not such a good example, because I think I’m getting better at that. I see it in other people and it is so unattractive to me that when I hear or see myself doing it, it makes me want to throw up or throw myself off a cliff. I’m trying to get better.
I’m completely restricting myself as far as spending money goes. I don’t go out on weeknights (except for tonight for 4 dollar ice cream) and I try not to spend too much money. I have two thousand saved, but I need three more. I will have just enough if I don’t spend a single dime more. Which isn’t going to happen.
I am just really unhappy right now, even with the breaks of laughter and company, the majority of the time is still spent sitting in front of a computer, wishing I was dead. I want to quit, and leave now. I want to be irresponsible and spend my money on a new handbag and way too many drinks.
I just know this has got to be worth it, this shitty job, staying home every night, its going to be worth it right? I just see so many people around me not struggling, living it up, making 20 dollars an hour, or not working at all and strangely having enough money to go to Europe on a whim. I just wonder if there will be a time when things come easily to me like they come to everyone else?
I live a blessed life, don’t get me wrong, but is it wrong of me to want to see the people around me, those on their marble pedastals to trip and fall just a little? To just get a glimpse of the real world? To really understand life and how it works? That would be nice…
I started my new temp job and it sucks so bad compared to my last job. This job is in a dingy little office, with old people, smokers, and my supervisor. This woman is a piece of work. Everything about her screams, “I NEED ATTENTION AND APPROVAL.” Her mannerisms, they way she speaks and the things she says are completely done so the people around her think she is cool. That term, cool, seems so outdated, but its only because it is something she would say.
I just started on Monday and she is already under my skin. On that first day when she taught me how to cut and paste into Word I thought it was a little odd. Today when she tried to teach me how to fold an invoice into thirds so it could fit into an envelope, I almost snapped. She talks to herself non stop. Things like, “why’d you do that Dawn?” “That was silly Dawn!” “I told you printer, don’t jam up anymore!” And she doesn’t say it quietly, she says it really loudly so everyone can hear. Every time she does it I look around the office to see if anyone noticed and they don’t. Which either means I’m hearing things, or bitch has been doing this for years. I’m going with the latter.
Today was just the epitome of her wackiness. She was on the work phone for like 2 hours trying to raise money for her church. Oh I didn’t mention that? Yea, she is a evangelical Christian. UGH. She has all those inspirational Christian quotes and “100 ways to destress the Christian way” poster porminently placed abover her computer. But she swears like a sailor, had a child out of wedlock, and is just generally not a nice person. But the worst was today.
Right after she got off the phone with her church, or whatever, I went to her cubicle to ask her if maybe the engineers had gotten some numbers transposed, and she says, “Oh, someone is smoking something down there, and isn’t sharing with me!” What the FUCK. What was I supposed to say to that? Maybe suggest one of the 100 ways Christians should destress instead of smoking weed?
I don’t know what it is about people that think because I’m younger that I do drugs. I’ve never smoked weed in my life, and I don’t plan on ever doing it. I’ve never felt pressure to do it, and I don’t care if others do it, as long as it doesn’t hinder my life in anyway.
This comment she made however, completely offended me. I know for a fact she is a homosexual hating-gun toting-”you’re going to hell if you aren’t a christian” saying Evangelical, and for her to think its ok to do all the other stuff is just extremely offensive.
Thats why I just HATE organized religion. If, after much soul searching, you find that Christianity makes you feel better and helps you be a better person, go for it, by all means. Just don’t throw it in my face, and don’t contradict yourself at the expense of others. I know she is saying these things because she thinks it makes her sound “cooler” but really, get a clue.
I’m about 62 days away until I go to Australia, and that’s pretty insane. I got accepted into the program, got my visa, and bought my plane ticket. All I need to do is save up 5,000 dollars and buy some insurance and I’m golden. I got a serious, real-life job, and I need to work my butt off and save as much as I can to reach my goal.
My mom is convinced that I’m going to be calling her every 5 minutes from Australia asking her for more money. I HAAAAATTTEEE asking them for money. It is the worst experience. If I was caught by terrorists and threatened with having to ask my parents for money, I would give up all the national secrets that I know. I really want to succeed at being independent. I already have around 1,000 saved, but that means I need to make 4,000 in 2 months and the odds of that happening are slim unless I start working a corner downtown. I had a moment of insanity and went looking for a second job at the mall. But waking up at 6:30am and working until 10pm everyday just doesn’t sound appealing. I need my sleep!
I just don’t know how I’m gonna do it! Money issues seriously freak me out, and I just found out that I no longer have health insurance, which is great. 47 million people don’t have health insurance. That’s madness to me. Its really weird how you don’t think about it until you don’t have it. I was going to go to the dentist and the doctor before I left just to make sure I had everything in order, and now I don’t know if I can do that. No health insurance. Its so weird I am in this position.
I worked at the Gorge this weekend and it was really silly of me. I drove 3 hours there and back and my paycheck will only be around 200 dollars. That’s barely enough to cover gas. And that’s including tips! How lame! I worked so hard and didn’t get to sleep until like 3 in the morning and for what, a day of work sitting at my real job? Lame.
Ugh. This whole entry is lame. I should probably just delete it.
I’m lazy.
Since the last time I wrote, I’ve graduated college, moved out of my apartment and back home with my parents, gotten a real job, convinced my mom not to walk out on us, had a graduation party, and won a free meal. Guess which one I’m most proud of?
If you guessed the free meal, you’d be right.
Its a surreal experience moving home and living under the same roof as my parents. Yea during breaks from school I’d be home, but all my stuff would be at school, or there was the promise of that I would return eventually. That’s not the case here. I’m home for good this time and I’m not sure how I feel about it. All of my stuff is in complete disarray. I don’t have any clue as to how I accumulated so much…crap. It has no home yet so it sits on the floor taunting me and making me feel like a failure as someone afflicted with OCD. The problem is there is no where to put it. Hopefully it will soon, but prospects look dismal.
So as I was unpacking my stuff, I made sure to hook up my computer so that I could be connected to the real world so that meant setting up my desk in its entirety. I put my University Housing mug full of pens in the middle, my sudoku calender on the left and my lamp on the right. All but the lamp, which I bought for my freshman year of college, I’ve gathered over the years. Tonight when I finally plugged in my lamp and went to turn it on, nothing happened. I checked to see that it was plugged in; it was. I kept flipping the switch on and off, to no avail.
I smiled to myself and thought what a cliche my life is. The desk lamp I’ve had for the past four years, coincidentally the four years of college, has broken the first time I plug it into my new home (well new old home). What are the odds it just gave out on me right as my new life starts. So as I quite literally sit in the dark, I am in the dark about the rest of my life.
I just hope my light bulb will come on eventually.
…What a cliche.
Now I know that Laura Bush is a completely different person than George W. Bush, and that she has done great things to create a more literate country, but she looks…how do I put this….vacant. She has that Xanax stare…that look which makes it seem like shes not all there. That she is waiting for her short bus and her little white pill.
Just a thought.
Its late.
I have a paper due in 7 hours.
I’m only on page 2 of 10.
Finals suck.
I graduate in 4 days.
That is all.
Why I’m awake at nine in the morning on the one day I can sleep in is a mystery to me. Actually its not. I’ve been keeping my phone next to me in case a prospective job offer calls (because yes, the offers themselves call), and my friends who have real jobs like to text me really early in the morning to tell me the most inane things and wake me up.
Anyways, I graduate in 9 days. That’s insane. I’ve been super emotional lately and earlier this week I attributed it to the fact that I was working 15 hours a day at the concert venue I work at, and I was getting no sleep, but now that I’ve been sleeping, I have no excuse. Except for the fact that I’m graduating. I went to the bank yesterday and I was overdraft by 44 dollars and then when I deposited money they said I was over 100 dollars overdraft. So I had to deal with that and so that made me cry. But I handled it so there should have been no reason to be upset. Its how I am manifesting my sadness about graduation. It could be also because I have a stressful couple of weeks coming up.
Today I have to finish writing a paper and study for super hard test tomorrow. Friday I have to drive home (which takes two hours) and go to a formal at Casey’s fraternity, so that means I have to get super dressed up…ugh. Then Saturday after spending some time with my parents I have to drive back to school where I’ll go out with my friends for my VERY LAST WEEKEND here. Then Sunday-Tuesday is study time for my three finals which are conveniently (or not so convenient for me) on the same day. Awesome. Then comes Saturday which is graduation day/moving day/unpacking day/saying goodbye to everything I know here day. I think that’s the part that freaks me out the most. Leaving this place.
If I’m crying now over the little things, how will I ever survive leaving here. I feel like I write the same things over and over, but this whole graduating thing is in the forefront of my mind. I have a serious case of senioritis. I just bombed a psych 101 test…I just didn’t study. I didn’t feel like it. The crazy thing is that this should be easy, I should be acing this class, I just have no more drive in me to do well. But if I fail any of my classes I won’t graduate. Granted I’ve never failed a class in the history of my life, it still would be my luck that I would the last quarter of my senior year when it really counts. I know I’m getting a D+ in the psych class…but that’s passing! Although I dunno how happy my parents would be with that. But it doesn’t really matter right?
I’ve been on the prowl for a job lately…I have to be in order to save up money for Australia. A couple of places have called me, and I accidentally applied to a temp agency so that should be really helpful. I’ve never had to apply for a job before. My retail jobs, yea, I’ve turned in applications, but it’s always been around Christmas time when they desperately need people so they basically hold me hostage for two months. My camp job, yea, I interviewed, but just barely. The camp director had known me for like seven years before that so pretty much I was in there like swimwear (I’m totally trying to bring that phrase back).
I’ve never been on a serious job interview. Actually that’s a lie. I went on an interview for a super serious internship for my major, and I couldn’t even name a local political issue I was interested in. I said health care which a) is not local and b) possibly the most boring political issue ever. Ugh. So I really should start preparing for those kinds of things. Don’t they ask you, what are your three best and worst traits? I would have no idea what to say…
And so as another exciting edition of my life comes to a close, and I prepare to tackle the pile of dirty dishes in the sink, I wonder where my life will take me, who will be there with me, and just how amazing will I look while doing it…
I recently downloaded a cover of Cyndi Lauper’s, “Girls just want to have fun” by Greg Laswell. Its eerie, melodic, and deeply touching. I didn’t know that song could mean so much without changing anything but who sings it. I sat and listened to it for about an hour on repeat, mesmerized by it and thinking about how it connects to my life.
I’ve been having a bit of an identity crisis lately. I’m graduating in something like 20 days and I have no clue what I’m doing after that. I have been applying for jobs all over the place, and so far no answers. Granted I haven’t had an extreme amount of experience, but I’m just hoping I’ll hear something back. I need to save 5,000 dollars by the end of September, which is when I’m planning to move to Australia, so that severely limits what jobs I can get. No one wants to hire someone for three months, especially not the jobs that I’m applying for. And I refuse to work retail again now that I’ll actually have a bachelor’s degree…working with high school students and stay-at-home moms who had to get jobs because the economy is so bad for minimum wage just doesn’t sound appealing to me.
I have three ten page research papers due within the next week and a half, none of which I’ve started. On top of that I have three test finals to study for, I’m working at a concert place for a little, so I have to train this weekend, and then I’ll be working all memorial day weekend so I have virtually no time to any of my school work.
It could be all the depressing music I’ve been listening to, it could be the fact that virtually all my friends and family are going through intense drama and they’re all coming to me for advice, but I’ve been feeling super down lately. I’m leaving the place I’ve lived for four years. I’m leaving all my friends as we scatter to the four corners of the state. I’m unsure of my plans for the next year and this summer. I feel like my problems are so minuscule compared to others’ that I don’t feel right complaining about them.
Its just weird. I guess I don’t really don’t know how to describe what I’m feeling. Everything about my life is changing. The other day my family was talking about my sister not even being with us on Christmas. I’ll never be able to come back to my college town as a college student. I’ll be that creepy older person that doesn’t have a place to stay, that just hopes I’ll find someone I know. I am going to GRADUATE COLLEGE. That is such a foreign concept to me. I guess it’s been my goal for the last four years, but I just never thought it would happen to me. Just like I never thought I would get my braces off. Or get my driver’s license. I saw it happen to others, not to me.
I’m not ready, emotionally or mentally, to leave here. I’m moving home. I’m moving out of my apartment. I’m starting my “real life.” I can’t sleep until noon, go out drinking on a tuesday, not show up to class or study for a test, drive down the block and be in an apartment complex where 10 of my friends live. Change is a four letter word in my life; I can’t stop it, I can’t control it. It just happens.
But I digress…
Graduation day is literally 2 months away. Meaning less than 2 months away. June 7. I’ve seen what my sister has gone through after she graduated three years ago: moving back home, getting a serious job, actually paying her own bills, etc. It didn’t look easy or fun for her, and I really don’t want to go through it. But now that I’m so close to finishing, I just want to get out of here. Small town living is fun, but I’m ready to go.
It also helps that I know that I won’t be getting a serious job anytime soon. I’ve been talking about traveling after I graduate for a long time, and now that I have found a program that I like, and the place I want to go, its really starting to come together. I’m using a program called BUNAC (www.bunac.org). They set up your visa, offer you job placement, find you a place to live, set up a bank account, etc. Wow I sound like an advertisement. So where is my destination you ask? Australia. And I could not be more excited.
I am going with my best friend in the whole world, and we’re going to have the most amazing time. All of his friends are doing the same thing except going to Ireland. So now he wants to change our trip from a full year in Australia, to six months there and six months in Europe. Which would be amazing, but extremely expensive, not to mention complicated with a visa status. You cannot work in Europe without a visa. So maybe that won’t work out. All I know is that I want to delay being an adult as long as possible.
On the home front, my roommate is having a hard time. His parents moved out of state, his friends all go to a different school, and all of his friends here are graduating. He really has no home, since his parents moved while he was in college. And he doesn’t want to stay here, so he wants to change colleges, but he doesn’t know where. He doesn’t have a place to go, and he has to idea what he even wants to do with his life. Its a really difficult place to be-in limbo, and I don’t envy him at all.
Every time he is on the phone with his parents, there is yelling, and fighting, because they don’t want to support him living up here, but he doesn’t want to move to Colorado. Both sides are understandable. I guess I just don’t know how to help him. The closer it gets to graduation day, the more he starts freaking out about what he wants to do. The problem is he complains constantly about his situation but does nothing to fix it. He has no motivation to do anything, and he’ll probably end up back here, miserable and alone, and he will not do well by himself.
I just worry about him, and I worry about myself too. His energy changes my energy. I find that I’m more on edge, I complain more, and I tend to have no motivation. This could also be the senioritis kicking in that I’ve been battling for a good two quarters. Its just so hard to concentrate in Psychology 101, when I hate the class, its full of annoying freshmen, and I would rather be poking my eye out than attending class.
I’ve checked my stats on this a couple of times and pretty much the only site views I’ve had have been me looking at my own blog when I’ve been logged out. Yea. Awesome.
